I made a deal with myself that I would do TWO major things this year.
The first thing is that I would be the most genuine I’ve ever been. Like I want to be so transparent that it scares me. Why do I want to do that? Because when I’m in fire I thrive and I decided that at the tender age of 37 I deserve to be the most authentic version of myself and thrive. It’s crazy because I am a person who likes to believe that I’m always showing up as my true self, but there so many parts of me that I keep hidden in an attempt to keep myself safe from judgement and the potential of being hurt. There are so many things I’m not experiencing because of the walls I’ve built to protect myself. This pandemic has forced me to see how soft and fragile I actually am. For a long time I thought it made me weak but it’s what has kept me alive and filled with hope. It’s the thing that has given me the ability to bounce back from whatever tries to defeat me. I don’t think I would be able to do that if I had let the world make me cold and shrill, not saying that I wasn’t close because I definitely have been. On the outside I’ve appeared to seemingly bounce back from all the things that have tried to defeat me, the truth though is that on the inside I’ve been building many walls to keep myself protected out of fear and I trust no one.
Here’s the thing though… I’m so sick of living in fear and I’m sick of being sick. So I’m writing. I’m going to write about everything no restraint, no sugar coating, just me and my lived experiences and thoughts. I’m going to allow myself to be soft and I’m going tear down every wall I’ve built. I’m exhausted of trying to seem callous so I can feel protected. I don’t want to be cold like the world and because I found Jesus, now I don’t have to be praise God. I can just be and as scared as I am, I’m ready to jump. I’m ready to be who God made me to be when He formed me in my mothers womb.
The second thing I said I would do this year is finish everything I start. I started this blog some years ago and I didn’t write because I didn’t want to be fully honest. I wanted to paint this pretty pink picture and inspire. Pretty and pink doesn’t inspire though. Gritty and real does.
So here I am… just a scared, soft, vulnerable girl ready to rip the bandaid for the first time in her life and be REAL, like really real.