Social media is a cesspool of comparison. There is absolutely no way to deny it and if we would be honest, we would admit that as much as we don’t want to compare ourselves we do. I found myself drowning in that pool recently and I had to get the heck out there. So I removed all of my social media apps cold turkey.
At first it all started with me seeing a girl in a dope outfit on Instagram and thinking to myself, “Oh she is wearing that!” Soon after that I found myself looking at picture of Kim Kardashian on the beach looking all slim and fearless, feeling hopeless because I would never look like her. I even fantasized about what it would feel like to look like her and when I looked down at myself and saw my psoriasis covered rolls around my stomach I just cringed in horror.
I am one of those people who like to think I love myself but in truth I and in the process of unwrapping decades of being put down by others and years of self-hate. It wasn’t until I snapped out of my fantasy of looking like Kim K that I realized that by remaining in that space that I would be ruining any progress I’ve made in truly accepting myself as the chubby, psoriasis covered queen that I am.
I would love to be able to say that I can be on social media and be unfazed by all the hype but I still find myself being negatively influenced by it. One thing I will admit is that it’s me that is allowing this to happen, so it has to be me who works on making the change. That is why I’ve decided to leave social media for a bit and work on myself.
Will I go back to it before I’m completely healed? Probably.
But I will not return until I’ve done some extensive work in learning to love myself more thoroughly. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.
I made a deal with myself that I would do TWO major things this year.
The first thing is that I would be the most genuine I’ve ever been. Like I want to be so transparent that it scares me. Why do I want to do that? Because when I’m in fire I thrive and I decided that at the tender age of 37 I deserve to be the most authentic version of myself and thrive. It’s crazy because I am a person who likes to believe that I’m always showing up as my true self, but there so many parts of me that I keep hidden in an attempt to keep myself safe from judgement and the potential of being hurt. There are so many things I’m not experiencing because of the walls I’ve built to protect myself. This pandemic has forced me to see how soft and fragile I actually am. For a long time I thought it made me weak but it’s what has kept me alive and filled with hope. It’s the thing that has given me the ability to bounce back from whatever tries to defeat me. I don’t think I would be able to do that if I had let the world make me cold and shrill, not saying that I wasn’t close because I definitely have been. On the outside I’ve appeared to seemingly bounce back from all the things that have tried to defeat me, the truth though is that on the inside I’ve been building many walls to keep myself protected out of fear and I trust no one.
Here’s the thing though… I’m so sick of living in fear and I’m sick of being sick. So I’m writing. I’m going to write about everything no restraint, no sugar coating, just me and my lived experiences and thoughts. I’m going to allow myself to be soft and I’m going tear down every wall I’ve built. I’m exhausted of trying to seem callous so I can feel protected. I don’t want to be cold like the world and because I found Jesus, now I don’t have to be praise God. I can just be and as scared as I am, I’m ready to jump. I’m ready to be who God made me to be when He formed me in my mothers womb.
The second thing I said I would do this year is finish everything I start. I started this blog some years ago and I didn’t write because I didn’t want to be fully honest. I wanted to paint this pretty pink picture and inspire. Pretty and pink doesn’t inspire though. Gritty and real does.
So here I am… just a scared, soft, vulnerable girl ready to rip the bandaid for the first time in her life and be REAL, like really real.